Who Am I ?!?...
It really is hard to be able to just walk in the truth. Definitely difficult to uncover and admit to the things that make us who we are. There might be some painful secrets that contribute to our emotional/psychological makeup as people. What's funny is the amount of time that we spend trying to put ourselves into our own truth, and really trying to live in that, when it's not completely self defined, I think it's more self discovered than anything else.
Gimmick
–noun
–verb (used with object)
For the majority of my formative years, I thought there was something that I had to sell about myself. I thought that I needed an angle. I could be the funny guy, or the sensitive guy. I thought there had to be some kind of Gimmick to me (not helped by the fact that I kinda love infomercials, weird I know...) In my head, that was the way to acceptance. If I fit into some niche, then I could find my purpose among people. There's always a need for certain kinds of people in community, right? So I thought I'd shape myself into this "everyman" who could quite easily morph into whatever character some section of community was lacking. This gave me enough fluidity to move between all kinds of groups of people(this is not necessarily a bad quality, but the way of getting that quality was quite damaging).
It's quite easy to get lost in the "reality" that we create for ourselves. I spent a lot of time in this fog about who I was supposed to be and allowed myself to get into what I thought people wanted me to be. There were parts of me that shined through, of course, but the thing that drove me was really acceptance. Just like that kid who wants to play basketball, but is always picked last, I tried to do things that made me more appealing, so someone or some group would pick me. Through this process, I found out that I actually became more mysterious to people. They would be able to see less of who I was, and lots of what I decided to let them see. I used to think that it was a cool thing to have some mystery about myself actually. I needed some private type me, so that I wouldn't lose who I was completely.
Discovering who I was, took a long time. It's really something I'm still trying to figure out. I recently went on a Trek with Intervarsity. It was not a mission trip (although there are times when I feel like it really was, just disguised under a different name). There were about 30 Interns, who all got together to get some training about really being a leader. There was also a big theme of being able to take spiritual authority in our lives, in order to benefit ourselves and the people that we would be ministering to over the next year. This trek really was a cover up for God to come and confront me about who I really was. (tricky God...)
The first couple of days there were really hard for me. I had problems dealing with the reality that I was the only African American Intern at the trek. I desparately wanted to know that there were other African Americans out there who were going through the same thing I was. Wasn't it good enough that I was there with people who are all trying to get to the same place? Not really, I had to have some kind of identification with people on a different level. I needed to know that I wasn't "alone". This was the foundation of my ideas of my identity being shaken. What came after, was a bunch of hard questions about who I was as a person. Did I hide behind an ambiguous shade of multi-ethnic conglomeration? What are my loves in life? How do they help shape who I am as a Christian, as an African American, as just a Man in general?
I came to realize a couple of things during that week. My identity is solidified in Jesus. He made me who I am, and He loves me for who I am. I cannot please all the people all the time. As a matter of fact, many people may hate me. Jesus did not make a mistake when creating me. I am His perfect little slice of Him (in His eyes). I have my faults, but those were faults that were given to me, to make me the best I can be. There is a comfortability in my ethnicity. Even though the Gospel is color blind, God did not create us to be. The idea of seeing everyone as the same takes away from some of the brilliance of His designs. He did not create us to be the same as everyone else. There is a great blessing in that realization. Ethnicity is important, as it is part of your individual story and identity. Jesus doesn't glance over my ethnicity, He embraces it, because He is the creator of it (that was really freeing to investigate and discover.) I was shown that when we use gimmicks we are covering up the God in us.
Identity
–noun
I am a dork! I love dorky things, and I have quite dorky pursuits. I LOVE music. I love the relaxation, realization, and composition of music. I AM a writer. I need to express myself through words, as opposed to dance or visual art. I'm a word man. During the trek, we had a free day, where we went to the Grand Canyon. On the train ride back from the Canyon, I got the chance to get together with some people in an empty part of a car, and we got verbally creative. We were freestyling, and we were sharing poetry with one another. It was one of the most joyful moments that I have had in years! It really sparked something in me that helped me realize that writing was a means through which I met God. He blessed me with the talent and love of words, and suppressing such things were in fact me, in some way, turning away from God.
My friend Katherine likes to think about how we are captives. We're slaves to our sins, slaves to our lifestyles, slaves to our ideas of healthy selves and how we should act, slaves to our own histories and the things that we've set up for ouselves. Formation of identity is one of the ways that God offers us liberation from these things. When we can realize the things that make us who we are (not the things we try to force ourselves to be) there is a freedom in how we live life. I feel so unrestricted now. Exploring the ways that God specifically created me, is a joyful pursuit. In finding this, I feel like I can be more useful as a tool for His kingdom. It also allows me to see how much and how in so many different ways He loves me.
Yay for Freedom from Gimmicks! The reality is that my natural giftings are enough for Him, and are enough for me and others to see.
Reflect Him
I'm out...
Gimmick
–noun
| 1. | an ingenious or novel device, scheme, or stratagem, esp. one designed to attract attention or increase appeal. |
–verb (used with object)
| 2. | to equip or embellish with unnecessary features, esp. in order to increase salability, acceptance, etc. |
For the majority of my formative years, I thought there was something that I had to sell about myself. I thought that I needed an angle. I could be the funny guy, or the sensitive guy. I thought there had to be some kind of Gimmick to me (not helped by the fact that I kinda love infomercials, weird I know...) In my head, that was the way to acceptance. If I fit into some niche, then I could find my purpose among people. There's always a need for certain kinds of people in community, right? So I thought I'd shape myself into this "everyman" who could quite easily morph into whatever character some section of community was lacking. This gave me enough fluidity to move between all kinds of groups of people(this is not necessarily a bad quality, but the way of getting that quality was quite damaging).
It's quite easy to get lost in the "reality" that we create for ourselves. I spent a lot of time in this fog about who I was supposed to be and allowed myself to get into what I thought people wanted me to be. There were parts of me that shined through, of course, but the thing that drove me was really acceptance. Just like that kid who wants to play basketball, but is always picked last, I tried to do things that made me more appealing, so someone or some group would pick me. Through this process, I found out that I actually became more mysterious to people. They would be able to see less of who I was, and lots of what I decided to let them see. I used to think that it was a cool thing to have some mystery about myself actually. I needed some private type me, so that I wouldn't lose who I was completely.
Discovering who I was, took a long time. It's really something I'm still trying to figure out. I recently went on a Trek with Intervarsity. It was not a mission trip (although there are times when I feel like it really was, just disguised under a different name). There were about 30 Interns, who all got together to get some training about really being a leader. There was also a big theme of being able to take spiritual authority in our lives, in order to benefit ourselves and the people that we would be ministering to over the next year. This trek really was a cover up for God to come and confront me about who I really was. (tricky God...)
The first couple of days there were really hard for me. I had problems dealing with the reality that I was the only African American Intern at the trek. I desparately wanted to know that there were other African Americans out there who were going through the same thing I was. Wasn't it good enough that I was there with people who are all trying to get to the same place? Not really, I had to have some kind of identification with people on a different level. I needed to know that I wasn't "alone". This was the foundation of my ideas of my identity being shaken. What came after, was a bunch of hard questions about who I was as a person. Did I hide behind an ambiguous shade of multi-ethnic conglomeration? What are my loves in life? How do they help shape who I am as a Christian, as an African American, as just a Man in general?
I came to realize a couple of things during that week. My identity is solidified in Jesus. He made me who I am, and He loves me for who I am. I cannot please all the people all the time. As a matter of fact, many people may hate me. Jesus did not make a mistake when creating me. I am His perfect little slice of Him (in His eyes). I have my faults, but those were faults that were given to me, to make me the best I can be. There is a comfortability in my ethnicity. Even though the Gospel is color blind, God did not create us to be. The idea of seeing everyone as the same takes away from some of the brilliance of His designs. He did not create us to be the same as everyone else. There is a great blessing in that realization. Ethnicity is important, as it is part of your individual story and identity. Jesus doesn't glance over my ethnicity, He embraces it, because He is the creator of it (that was really freeing to investigate and discover.) I was shown that when we use gimmicks we are covering up the God in us.
Identity
–noun
| 1. | the collective aspect of the set of characteristics by which a thing is definitively recognizable or known. |
I am a dork! I love dorky things, and I have quite dorky pursuits. I LOVE music. I love the relaxation, realization, and composition of music. I AM a writer. I need to express myself through words, as opposed to dance or visual art. I'm a word man. During the trek, we had a free day, where we went to the Grand Canyon. On the train ride back from the Canyon, I got the chance to get together with some people in an empty part of a car, and we got verbally creative. We were freestyling, and we were sharing poetry with one another. It was one of the most joyful moments that I have had in years! It really sparked something in me that helped me realize that writing was a means through which I met God. He blessed me with the talent and love of words, and suppressing such things were in fact me, in some way, turning away from God.
My friend Katherine likes to think about how we are captives. We're slaves to our sins, slaves to our lifestyles, slaves to our ideas of healthy selves and how we should act, slaves to our own histories and the things that we've set up for ouselves. Formation of identity is one of the ways that God offers us liberation from these things. When we can realize the things that make us who we are (not the things we try to force ourselves to be) there is a freedom in how we live life. I feel so unrestricted now. Exploring the ways that God specifically created me, is a joyful pursuit. In finding this, I feel like I can be more useful as a tool for His kingdom. It also allows me to see how much and how in so many different ways He loves me.
Yay for Freedom from Gimmicks! The reality is that my natural giftings are enough for Him, and are enough for me and others to see.
Reflect Him
I'm out...
1 comments:
justin smith! what a wonderful and insightful and genuine post! you've inspired me to blog : )
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